Anxious

The wife says to the neighbor: "My husband has not returned all the night; I do not know where he went. It really gives me a hangup!"
An insider says: "Let it be. Would you know where he went, I dare to say that you would be more anxious." 

Airport

A stewardess wore a sparkling gold necklace, a plane model as a drop, looking unique  and professional. Detecting that somebody around was looking at her, she asked gracefully: “Is it pretty?” “Very pretty, but the airport looks more fascinating.” The other party wisecracked.

Time Is Money

As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light,I asked the driver,"Do you agree that 'Time is money'?"
"Well,it's a very common saying.Who will care so much about that?"the driver answered .
"Look,the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped,"I pointed at the meter.
"Oh.yes.You've got a point here,In this case,time is money for both of us,"added the driver.

Marriage Arranged by an Unborn Baby

The other day a Chinese told me that to go with the traditional custom,one's marriage has to be decided by his or her parents and that accordingly,her mother's marriage was arranged by her grandparents,but her sister has broken the tradition.

"How?"I asked.

The Korean War Is Over

My husband's brother-in-law,Joseph,an American real estate agent,came to China for a short visit to our city.

To show hospitality at the welcoming dinner party,Mr.Sun,the host,entertained Joseph with Chinese wine,saying,

"According to our custom,a brother-in-law coming to his wife's native country for the first time must drink three cups of wine."

Unfortunate salesman

An insect repellent salesman tried to sell his product to a farmer.
He said he wasn't interested because he hadn't seen any bugs or insects on his farm for years. The salesman indicated he had a wife and four kids and really needed the money.

The farmer still didn't think he needed any insect repellent but he felt sorry for the salesman and said,I'm so sure there aren't any insects around here, if you'll strip naked, I'll tie you to my barnyard fence for the entire night. When morning comes, if you've got even one insect bite on you, I'll buy every can of repellent you've got.

A man and his wife

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignored his remark.
A little later, the husband took his measuring tape and measured his wife's rear end while she was bending over working in a flower bed. "Geeze, honey, it IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignored his remark.

Sandwiches

There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So they go to the girls house and before entering the girl stops the guy and says.
"My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bunk bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing, so when I say 'baloney' it means push harder, and when I say 'pastrami' it means push slower."
With this the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "baloney,baloney,baloney" then shouts "pastrami,pastrami,pastrami" and then back to "baloney,baloney,baloney"

Who is this man

Charles came home at four in the morning and found his wife lying awake in the bed. "Where you until this hour of the morning?" She screamed.

Ignoring what she asked, Charelrs opened his bedroom closet and found a naked man cringing on the floor.

Chareles asked, "Who is this man?"

Is this a Promise or Threat

"My friend, I say I had some trouble." A man said to his friend, "Yesterday I had words with my wife. After that she punched the door and rushed out angrily with the word that she would live with her mother. Please help me. Is this a promise or a threat?"

"Do you think there are differences between the two?" his friend asked.

It would hurt you

"Why is it that three of our four children have black hair but little Jim is a blond? Whose child is Jim?"

 

"I can't tell you the truth," said his wife after a long pause. "it would hurt you too much."

 

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," he insisted. "I don't mind who the father is. I'm just curious."

The first time

The first time, the second time, the third time
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the lady. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.
My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'

Trying to do that for years

A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You will get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no." said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years."

I'm a bachelor

Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt. A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked. "Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor."

Contented Married Life

A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life, "My wife makes all the small decisions," he explained, "and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other's business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments."
　　
"That sounds reasonable," answered his friend sympathetically. "And what sort of decisions does your wife make?"
　　
"Well," answered the man, "she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that."
　　
His friend was surprised. "Oh?" he said. "And what do you consider important decisions then?"
　　
"Well," answered the man, "I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."

All I do is pay

"My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "My
wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war,
and my daughter is foreign secretary."
"Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is your
position?"
"I’m the people. All I do is pay."

When a Tiger comes

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.
One of the guys takes out a pair of Nikes from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?
His friend replies: I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you.

Who was more polite

A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was more polite.
The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man said he was the more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

The Use of a Handsaw

At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.
Let's try it, my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.
Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, I'll have chopped sirloin, please.
The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, And I see that, you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.

Goldberg is absent today

A teacher was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up. He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and without realizing that he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the student wouldn't point this out to him.
After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends. The next day when the teacher said Goldberg, translate and explain. Goldberg replied, Goldberg is absent today .
All right, said the teacher. YOU translate and explain.