A Chimpanzee and a Norwegian

In 1990 the Swedes sent their first rocket up into outer space with a crew consisting of a chimpanzee and a Norwegian. On the control panel in front of them was a red light and a green light. When the red light flashed in indicated that instructions were about to come through for the Norwegian and when the green light showed it signalled an imminent instruction for the chimpanzee.

The Alligator and the shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The Heaven and the Hell

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God. Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before, in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly,if it will help your decision.

A Way to Make Money

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress drycleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

Napoleon Was Ill

Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.

"He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."

A Private Conversation

Last week I went to the theatre. I had a good seat. The play was interesting. I didn't enjoy it. A young man and a young woman were sitting behind me. They were talking loudly. I got very angry. I could not hear the actor. I turned round, looking at the man and the woman angrily. They didn't pay any attention. In the end, I could not bear it any more. I turned round again. "I can't hear a word!" I said angrily.

Canine Complex

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Vermouth, and sat down to explain his problem.
"Well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

Blind,Blond & Ballsy

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to explain it five times."

Be Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

A Driving Debacle

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

US Highway 22

The highway patrolman sported a car driving dangerously slow on a much-traveled freeway. He pulled it over and found the driver to be an elderly lady with four other older women as passengers.
"Lady," said the officer, "your slow driving is almost as dangerous as speeders. You need to try to keep the speed limit."
"But I always keep the speed limit," replied the lady. "I was doing the speed limit when you stopped me."
The officer asked, "What do you think the limit is on this road?"
The dear old lady said, "I just a moment ago saw the sign, U.S. Highway 22."
"But lady," warned the officer, "that is the highway number, not the speed limit"
The lady was very apologetic and, of course, no ticket was given. The officer noticed that all the passengers seemed pale and had a frightened look in their eyes. As he turned to leave the car, wondering if his presence had been the problem, he turned again and said to the driver, "Ma'am, are you sure all your passengers are OK?"
"Oh, they will be in a few moments," she said, "we just turned off Highway 120."

Put my beard on again

A man who sold brooms went into a barber's shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it.
"Two pence,"said the man.
"No, no, "said the barber, "I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again."
The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.
"A penny."said the barber.
"I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again."

US Highway 22

The highway patrolman sported a car driving dangerously slow on a much-traveled freeway. He pulled it over and found the driver to be an elderly lady with four other older women as passengers.
"Lady," said the officer, "your slow driving is almost as dangerous as speeders. You need to try to keep the speed limit."
"But I always keep the speed limit," replied the lady. "I was doing the speed limit when you stopped me."
The officer asked, "What do you think the limit is on this road?"
The dear old lady said, "I just a moment ago saw the sign, U.S. Highway 22."
"But lady," warned the officer, "that is the highway number, not the speed limit"
The lady was very apologetic and, of course, no ticket was given. The officer noticed that all the passengers seemed pale and had a frightened look in their eyes. As he turned to leave the car, wondering if his presence had been the problem, he turned again and said to the driver, "Ma'am, are you sure all your passengers are OK?"
"Oh, they will be in a few moments," she said, "we just turned off Highway 120."

Safe and Sound

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck.
"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.
"He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered.
"You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"
"It was a tough decision," said the hunter.
"But I figured no one is going to steal Harry."

The Grounded Conductor

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the
inspector.
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Perfect Match

A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.
Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.
Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"
"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."

Please Call

A Newspaper carried this classified ad, "The man who picked up my wallet on Market Street was recognized." He is requested to return it.
A few days later this ad appeared, "The recognized man who picked up your wallet on Market Street requests the loser to call and get it."

A Stingy Guy

Matt and his wife lived in the country. Matt was very stingy and hated spending money. One day a fair came to the nearby town.
"Let’s go to the fair, Matt,” his wife said, “We haven’t been anywhere for a long time.”
Matt thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said, “All right, but I’m not going to spend much money. We’ll look at things, but we won’t buy anything.”
They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy. There were many things Matt’s wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money.
Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small airplane.
"Fun flight!” the notice said, “$10 for 10 minutes.”
 Matt had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn’t want to have to pay for his wife, as well.
"I’ve only got $10,” he told the pilot. “Can my wife come with me for free?” The pilot wasn’t selling many tickets, so he said , “I’ll make a bargain with you. If your wife doesn’t scream or shout, she can have a free flight.”
Matt agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife.
The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things. At one moment it was flying upside down.
When the plane landed, the pilot said, “O.K. your wife didn’t make a sound . She can have her ride free.”
"Thank you,” Matt said. “it wasn’t easy for her, you know, especially when she fell out.”

Class, Lass and Ass

Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day,so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow."
A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.

Who owes money

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.