Expert Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

A Kind Lawyer?

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?"

he asked one man.

Insurance Money

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

Excessive Demands

A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce.

"He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"

Defending a Beastial

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbour, began his testimony.

Smartest Man in the

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

Settled the Case!

A young attorney, 'who had taken over his father's practice', rushed home elated one night. "Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!!" cried his astonished father.
"Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life."

Why Should I not get

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Standing in Line

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The bloke behind tells him, "Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art."

"Are you crazy?"
says the bloke in front, "I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?"

An Honest Lawyer?

An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."

Know When YOU'RE

Fellow 1: "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

Fellow 2: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1: "The judge told him."

Lawyers in the Park

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.
He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears.
So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. The lawyer turned to the ranger and asked "Why did you shoot the female? - it was the male that ate my friend"
So the Ranger replies "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

The Lawyer and the D

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of your children."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Old Age Eyesight

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Don't Mess with

Defense Attorney: "Would you please state your age to the court for the record."

Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."

Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question."

Little Old Lady: "There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me."

Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."

Defense Attorney: "Then what happened after he sat down beside you?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, he started to rub my thighs."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't."

Defense Lawyer: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago."

Defense Attorney: "Then what happened?"

Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my breasts."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"

Little Old Lady: "No"
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in years."

Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, "Take me young man".
Defense Attorney: "And did he take you?"

Little Old Lady: "No. That's when he yelled April Fool!.. And that's when I shot him."

NYC Miranda Rights

1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking. 2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking. 3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.
The Miranda Rights As Cops Would Really Like To Read Them.....
1. No, I don't care who you are. 2. No, I don't care who you know. 3. Yes... you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes... you CAN have my job. 5. No, I don't have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race). 8. No, I can't give you a break. 9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer ______. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we can't talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.

Crashing Lawyers

What do you say to a busload of lawyers crashing over a five hundred foot cliff? Got room for one more?

Barrister

Two solicitors came to a sticky end and were slowly making their way up to Heavan. On their way up the great staircase that leads to the Pearly Gates one turned to the other and said, "Look, Piers, I don't care how rare it is for a solicitor to make it up here, if there are any barristers in there, I'm not going in. Especially silks. I'm sick of them all.."
"Agreed, Tarquin," replied the other, "I'm with you all the way on that. I'd rather suffer an eternity in hell than talk to another Q.C."
And so it was that they reached the gate, and with much eyebrow raising by the heavenly host were judged worthy to enter.
"One moment, St. Peter," said Piers as the gates swung wide, "just one thing - We're sick of Barristers - are there any inside? Because if there are, the deal's off..."
"Certainly not!" Cried St. Pete, "You're quite safe - no barristers in here..
" Thus reassured, the two pressed on. They were finding heaven very enjoyable until all of a sudden an ancient looking chap with a long beard, wearing a barristers gown and wig pushed past them, a bundle of papers under one arm and a battered copy of the Weekly reports under the other.. Enfuriated they stormed back to St. Peter. Oi - St. Peter! cried Piers, already drafting his pleadings in his head, "You said there were no barristers here.."
"There aren't," stammered St. Peter "Well who's the silk in with the long beard, then?"
demanded the outraged lawyer.
"Oh," Said St. Peter, realisation dawning, "That's not a barrister! That's God. He just thinks he's a barrister.."

Pregnancy

A woman went to her doctor in a panic.
"Doctor, you must help me," she sobbed, please put my mind at rest.. Is it possible to become pregnant from anal sex..? " The doctor leaned back in his chair and said, "You foolish woman - of course it is. Where do you think lawyers come from...?"

Ethical Problem

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:

Should he tell his partner?