Insurance Money

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The Heaven and the Hell

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God. Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before, in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly,if it will help your decision.

The Korean War Is Over

My husband's brother-in-law,Joseph,an American real estate agent,came to China for a short visit to our city.

To show hospitality at the welcoming dinner party,Mr.Sun,the host,entertained Joseph with Chinese wine,saying,

"According to our custom,a brother-in-law coming to his wife's native country for the first time must drink three cups of wine."

Throw It All Into A River

A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it all into the river."
With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it all into the river."
And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it all into the river, too!"

Sleeping Problems

An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

The New Baby

Mr. and Mrs. Taylor had a seven-year-old boy named Pat. Now Mrs. Taylor was expecting another child.
Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too.
One evening Mr. and Mrs. Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival. "This house won't be big enough for use all when the baby comes," said Mr. Taylor.
Pat came into the room just then and said, "What are you talking about?""We were saying that we'll have to move to another house now, because the new baby's coming," his mother answered.

Excessive Demands

A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce.

"He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"

A Way to Make Money

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress drycleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

Unfortunate salesman

An insect repellent salesman tried to sell his product to a farmer.
He said he wasn't interested because he hadn't seen any bugs or insects on his farm for years. The salesman indicated he had a wife and four kids and really needed the money.

The farmer still didn't think he needed any insect repellent but he felt sorry for the salesman and said,I'm so sure there aren't any insects around here, if you'll strip naked, I'll tie you to my barnyard fence for the entire night. When morning comes, if you've got even one insect bite on you, I'll buy every can of repellent you've got.

Some Marriages Insights

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

A man and his wife

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignored his remark.
A little later, the husband took his measuring tape and measured his wife's rear end while she was bending over working in a flower bed. "Geeze, honey, it IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignored his remark.

Napoleon Was Ill

Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.

"He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."

DOWN A DEEP HOLE

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"

Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!

The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".

Defending a Beastial

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbour, began his testimony.

Dinner is ready

My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off. Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm. Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them.

I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands. Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.

It's the smoke detector, they replied in unison.

Catholic School

Little Tommy's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents:

An A in Math! "Tommy! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy shook his head.

The Rope

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."

THE SMELL OF FRESH BLOOD

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

Wheres The Manager

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

Smartest Man in the

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.